Mental Health Hotline

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive,
press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent,
please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities,
press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional,
press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive,
it doesn’t matter which number you press; no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic,
press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number, and your mother’s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y a-n-d-c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

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2 thoughts on “Mental Health Hotline

  1. LOL, I use to have this on my answering machine, and had some people calling it from a area code I didn’t recognize but answered once and he finally admitted he was just calling to listen to my voicemail. So I told him I would not answer if he wanted to listen to it…and he did.
    except mine said ‘if you are a nymphmaniac, please press 69 till you are satisfied…
    The reason I put this on my phone is because of all the crazy friends I had, and pretty much turned me into a psychiatrist…LOL, and some people thought I gave them a fake number. I eventually had to take it off my phone because of that. But I loved it!! My dad laughed and said he probably had to push all the buttons!

    Liked by 1 person

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